If you've gots the poison, I've gots the remedy.
I tend to rant, ramble, make no sense, and have really random epiphanies. Music keeps me alive. I remember a dream for every night.
My first drafts may often be confusing to read and full of awkward language and bad grammar. That being said, please enjoy the time you spend on this page.
I lied when I said I could stop talking to you and not care about it.
It’s true, I can and do hold grudges for pretty much ever. But honestly, you’re one of the few exceptions to that rule.
I really did intend to not communicate with you until you apologized, and thankfully you caved within two days. If it had been any longer than that, I would’ve had to eat my own words, because it was torture to not be able to bother you incessantly like I normally do.
I’m glad you were the one to try and talk to me again. It makes me feel like I’m not in a one-sided conversation, because honestly speaking, you’ve made me feel like that a lot. (Well, online anyways. In person, you hassle me like hell. So when you call me irritating, I can just point out the things you do.)
I don’t get it. You’re one of those people I would never have talked to this time last year, except to call stupid or disagree with. But now, I can’t really go more than a few minutes without thinking about you. You’re so much different than I would’ve imagined. And despite your contrary actions and words sometimes, you really are an intelligent and good person on the inside. I’m glad we were shoved together.
You’re attached to me, and I’m attached to you. It’s the truth, no matter how much you try to deny it. Because when I stopped talking to you, the things you did to get my attention were pretty ridiculous/embarrassing/moving. (They were things I would never have done, despite how much I missed you.)
This is new territory for me, so let’s take it one step at a time. Beginning with you coming online. Because honestly, while I miss you, I am not willing to cave so much as to pick up the phone and call you. Hopefully you’ll be the one to do that. And after you’ve done that, I’ll pick up and call you back the next time. Because I really do enjoy making you do things first.
Broken.
I couldn’t think straight.
Your words had finally crossed the line that night. For years, you had wavered at the edge, heating me up, but not quite allowing me to boil over.
But this time your words were a low blow. They did more than just sting. The pain was as if I had done something as foolish as catching a grenade for you.
I watched your mouth move without actually registering what you were saying. Your words were meaningless. I had allowed them to hurt me for how many years?
Too many.
I looked away. The white ceramic plate was sitting in front of me. At this point, consequences didn’t matter. I picked it up and brought my hand into the air. Without a warning, I smashed the plate onto the table.
It broke into a million sparkling white shards. Your words dropped off, and everyone sat there in a shocked silence.
I couldn’t feel regret. The only thing I could think was how easy it was to break something so pure. I could do it too, just as you had.
Ignoring the blood dripping off my fingers, I got up and walked off. I was done with you and everything you represented.
I cannot sleep.
I don’t know why.
I just know that I want to sleep. I really do. And I make every effort to prepare myself.
Then I lie down and the battle begins.
I toss and turn and toss again. I nearly rip out my hair in frustration.
I scratch and claw at myself.
I cannot sleep.
I want to, but I cannot.
I need to,
but I cannot.
Broken.
After you said what you said, I could no longer think straight.
I mean, I could understand why you might have said the other things. But this was crossing the line. This was a low blow. This was unacceptable.
I watched your mouth move without actually registering what you were saying. Then I looked away. The white ceramic plate was sitting in front of me.
Without really thinking it through, I picked it up. I brought my hand into the air, and without warning smashed the plate onto the table.
It broke into a million sparkling white shards. Your words dropped off, and everyone sat there in a shocked silence.
The only thing I could think was how easy it was to break something so pure. I could do it too, just as you had.
Ignoring the blood dripping off my fingers, I got up and walked off. I was done with you and everything you represented.
Diction
It sucks to have people correct your diction.
It sucks even more when the reason they’re correcting your diction is because you were being silly and trying to have better diction than usual when you really had better diction before you tried.
It also sucks when you have to sit there and listen to poor souls repeat things over and over while the director and his henchman correct them over and over, which enunciating and speaking in a manner that makes them sound like pricks.
It sucks even more when the person next to you, who appears to think she is better in so many ways that she continually asks you if you have any lines left, and when you answer her “YES, I DO, I think I would know if I have any lines left,” the director motions at you to be quiet, but he doesn’t tell her to be quiet when she’s correcting your diction when you really want to tell her that she breathes too much while she’s saying her lines and that it’s really quite irritating when she undermines your role in the production.
But what sucks the most is when the production is over, and you have to leave after strike is finished. That moment when you realize that it’s really over, and you won’t be spending as much time with these people who you’ve grown to love (despite their shortcomings), and that some of them will be graduating, and the next time you’ll see them is probably when they’re starring in some movie or in a Broadway play.
The rest of your problems are all enjoyable compared to that last moment.
Someday, I want someone to say, “I want someone like Amelia to play this role.”
Let me explain myself: I’m the kind of person you’d pass by. You wouldn’t stop and stare, you wouldn’t spare me another thought. You might glance at me, but you wouldn’t really see me.
I yearn for someone to think of me specifically. My greatest wish is to be noticed. I try my best, but I’m very ordinary. The invisible girl.
The invisible Amelia.
Shivani
So I hear that you’re unhappy now.
Well, why shouldn’t you be?
Seeing as you were randomly forced to move
Across the sea,
Shivani.
Yes, I know I’m being cheesy, but I can’t stop thinking about
Your smile.
No honey, this ain’t a love song,
But I’m getting so sick of it.
I just miss my friend,
The girl who’s always calling me.
‘Cause in your new home they don’t get you like I do
I’m always missing you and your laugh.
And I really really want you back.
‘Cause there’s an empty room,
Why didn’t you stay? There’s an empty room,
Why didn’t you stay?
Oh Shivani,
I’d better be seeing you again.
